All I Want For Christmas
by Good Question
Summary: Coda . 2 to And The Cardinal Hits The Window; Placed between chapter 14; before Cas opens his presents. Dean decided the ceiling was silently mocking him and rolled over to stare out the window. The Christmas cheer was sure starting out great. It's exactly what he'd always forgotten to put on his wish list for Santa. Sexual identity crisis.


**Beta'd by ****disenchantedpatient/Efia**

**CODA: ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS: CH. 14 (set before Cas opens his presents)**

Dean gripped the steering wheel tightly between his hands and ignored the concerned glances Sam was sending his way. Usually he was happy that he could take Sam home himself, especially with the snow and sleet, but it had been a really good day for Sam to not have found something to do. He clenched his teeth as he tried to push the image of Cas out of his head. His mental eyes kept wandering further down to what Cas was hiding behind that ugly blue speedo.

"Dean!"

Dean cursed as he almost ran a red light. The car slid to a halt and he sighed.

"What's wrong with you?" Sam snapped.

"Nothing, okay!"

"Right, and I'm the Easter Bunny."

"Your ears are starting to get a bit long," Dean replied, stepping on the gas as the light turned green again.

Sam went silent but Dean could still feel the heavy weight of his brother's expression resting on him. Damn attentive brat. They made it home and before he could be interrogated further he locked himself in his room. He dropped down onto his bed and lifted both of his forearms to rest on top of his eyes. His chest practically collapsed as he exhaled. He lifted one arm to glance out of his window at the snow caking up on it. Friggin' Cas. He felt his body twitch.

"I'm not gay," he told the ceiling, finally lifting his arms from his head. Dean decided the ceiling was silently mocking him and rolled over to stare out the window. The Christmas cheer was sure starting out great. It's exactly what he'd always forgotten to put on his wish list for Santa; Sexual identity crisis. As if to prove a point, later that night, when he was sure everyone had gone to bed, and he made sure his door was closed and locked, he pulled up his favorite porn site and sat there for a second. What did a person even look up when they wanted to look up porn about guys? He usually just typed in a fetish of his or an outfit but how the hell did you find.. gay stuff like that. The search engine wouldn't let him use two keywords. He took a deep breath and clicked on the 'gay' link.

Dean's hand rested on the mouse as he took in the first page that had come up. The first video shown didn't seem to bad, just a guy chilling on a sofa with his dick out. Reading a book. The guy looked fairly masculine too, ripped muscles and everything; An athlete. He let the mouse hang above the thumbnail for the video, letting the images flash through a preview. Dean's hand jerked it away immediately. He swallowed thickly and glanced at the rest of the videos on the first page. The kinks listed were a lot of the same, coaches and students, teachers, massage... Dean's panic fluctuated as he noticed that every single video had at least one extremely masculine man shown. Maybe he could risk it if he just focused on putting himself in that guy's shoes. Being gay didn't mean being a woman. Inherently he knew that but it felt good to see it reflected in porn.

He took a deep breath and glanced through the thumbnails, but every time he let it hover for awhile he chickened out at the few glimpses at positions and faces he saw the men making. An hour had passed and he still hadn't clicked on a single video. "Dean Winchester, you're a chicken shit," he told himself and then closed his eyes, clicking on a random link. The images started to move on a new screen and Dean had to double check to make sure his headphones were securely plugged in. He dared to look up at the screen at the first quiet moan. Okay, just kissing and biting. That was fine. Dean swallowed nervously as the camera panned out a little so that the viewer could see the lither man sink down slower until he reached the edge of the jeans to the man Dean was choosing to identify with. He was starting to feel awkward when the angle changed to POV of the man who Dean was sure was going to get his dick sucked. It was an angle he was very familiar with and found that, other than anxiety, he was feeling none of the usual tremors that passed through him when a girl stared up at him as she unzipped him. He let his shoulders drop a little and relaxed into his chair feeling confident in his personal findings. Dean let the video play, watching as the top held his hand in the other boy's hair while he enthusiastically slid his mouth up and down. The clip ended with the boy being pulled up and turned around, shoved into the wall with a moan.

"What was I worried about," Dean chuckled to himself as he deleted his history and flopped down into bed.

He closed his eyes for about three minutes before he opened them again in panic. To attempt to further prove a point to himself, because Dean Winchester just didn't know when to quit, he'd imagined Cas in the locker room. He glared angrily at his dick as he felt it pulse again. 'No' he thought firmly and closed his eyes again, but couldn't keep them closed for long as the video he'd watched popped back into his head, this time the man on his knees replaced with a mop of dark hair and bright blue eyes. He rubbed the heels of his hands against his eyes trying to scrub the image away only to find that it got more vivid. Cas wetting his lips with a quick flick of his tongue, then slowly unzipping him and nuzzling his nose against the rough denim.

"God damn it," Dean cursed out, attempting to ignore the fact that he was hard. "I hate my life," he told the ceiling as he rolled over, trying to squish his erection out of existence.

It didn't work. And Dean spent the entire night awake. His mood didn't improve in the morning either, as Sam commented on the drab, tired expression he wore. He told Sam to go impale himself on a pogo stick. Sam had told him to quit being a jerk.

"If you two could quit fighting for two seconds," John interrupted as Dean prepared to stab his fork into Sam's pile of eggs and steal them. They both looked up, "this came in the mail today. It's from your mom."

Dean and Sam looked at each other, bewildered. The name on it listed the three of them and Cas. "I already took your stuff out but I left the letter and the thing in there. Your mom got Cas a present."

"Of course she would," Sam said with a smile pulling the box open and looking at the ornament. He laughed. "This is great."

Dean swallowed thickly and took the present from Sam's hands. Fuck. Presents. Christmas shit. Damn.

"We should get him something too," Sam said and Dean officially zoned out for the rest of the conversation.

Because he didn't have enough shit on his plate now he had to worry about whether or not he should get Cas something, and even if he did, what the hell would he get him. Was it appropriate? Or hell, what if 'fine' had meant stay the fuck away? Or? Dean groaned into his steering wheel, not even remembering how he'd made it to it.

"You okay?" Sam asked as he snapped his seat belt on.

"Fine," Dean grumbled moodily. He turned the key and the Impala rumbled to life, he slammed the gas a little too hard as he slid the car into reverse causing Sam to squeak and give him a glare. He ignored it and drove them to school. Dean's heart hammered in his chest as they walked up the snow covered path to the school. There were annoying Christmas decorations staring to be put up by some of the janitorial staff and Dean just wanted to kick them over. He wasn't exactly in the Christmas mood. His stomach clenched oddly as they opened the doors to the school and his eyes darted immediately to the corner where Cas usually waited for Sam. And like the reliable little shit that he was, he was there. Dean felt his cheeks heat up as they caught sight of each other. He mumbled something and moved away as fast as he could. Even under that bulky sweater, all that he could imagine was the toned body he knew existed under those layers. Briefly Dean let himself wonder why Cas wore so many layers, despite his awkward behavior he'd be graded a catch if he showed it off more. Easily one of the more attractive males on campus. And that's where Dean wanted to be able to slam his head into a wall without attracting attention.

Cas wasn't attractive. Not in the least bit. Or at least Dean wasn't allowed to recognize it.

He flopped down next to Ash and Chuck dramatically, letting his head drop heavy onto the fake wood top of one of the cafeteria tables.

"What's up man? You look like you went a few rounds with-"

"Can it Ash. Not in the mood," Dean grumbled lifting his head. "Didn't sleep well."

Ash chuckled and nudged him playfully in the shoulder. "Oh my, I wonder what deep thoughts could've kept _the _Dean Winchester from his beauty sleep."

Dean just glowered at him, not that it would help. Ash was hardly fazed by anything. "Here, I know what'll help," Ash pulled out his phone and called Chuck. Dean looked over and saw him standing inside the mini-convenience store type they had set up. "The man needs coffee," Ash said pointing to Dean. Chuck nodded and waved hello to them, moving out of line and back to the coffee machine. "There you go, don't say I never did anything for you."

"Technically Chuck's doing it for me, he's paying," Dean replied but smiled a little anyway. It was the first good thing to happen all morning.

"I'm the one that had the idea," Ash defended.

The conversation slipped into the regular rhythm it always had and Dean accepted the hot cup of coffee with great thanks. He wasn't bothered by anymore thoughts for the rest of the day as he focused on the winter party that they'd heard was going to be happening. Pretty big too. He even went to bed that night feeling a little more refreshed, that was until, of course, he saw Cas the next morning and the burning sensation churned in his gut again.

It also didn't help that every day they got home Sam bothered him about what type of Christmas gifts to get him. Dean wasn't sure he could last the next 19 days until Christmas break. His dreams had gotten more vivid too and Dean couldn't stop himself from freaking out. Worse, everyone was slowly starting to notice. It was times like these that he wished he was a little more adventurous and didn't have to worry about jobs lined up. Chuck and Ash had suggested that the rest of the year was just getting to him, classes especially, and college shit looming in the distance and the best way to get rid of stress was to go with them to Garth's place and light up a few joints. It certainly seemed easier than having to deal with his brain. But he did have those things to worry about. Damn responsibility.

He tried to busy himself with the cars but even that was starting to bleed together with his thoughts of Cas. Dean found himself sitting in the break room, it far too cold now halfway through December to sit in the back of one of the trucks, listening to cheesy Christmas music and thinking about Cas. Specifically about having _him_ hover annoyingly but endearingly next to him, asking too many questions about what Dean was doing and Dean happily showing him exactly what he was doing. Explaining things that could make a car rattle or grind or squeal. The second his mind took it to a make out session in the back of one of the cars they'd be fixing together he choked on his sandwich and swallowed his water almost violently after it.

Dean stopped being able to run from the present question too. They had little under two weeks' change left of classes and Sam was becoming more and more insistent. Their dad had given Sam a little money to buy the present with. They just had to decide on what it was going to be. Dean wanted nothing to do with the planning but every evening without fail, now it seemed like every friggin' waking moment, Sam was bugging him about what to get Cas.

"Man, Sammy. I. Don't. Know," Dean ground out through clenched teeth as he sat in the soft glow of the Christmas tree staring at the TV.

"Bull shit, I'm sure together we can think of something. No one knows Cas better than us," Sam said fiercely. Dean would take it to his grave that the declaration gave him a deep sense of satisfaction. Of course no one knew Cas better than them. Cas was their friend and maybe, well. He shook the thought out of his head as he flipped channels to ABC Family. Sam was a big seasonal movie fan, he hoped that there'd be something to drag his attention away from the topic. But not even Home Alone could deter Sam. "Come on Dean. Don't you think it's a little shitty that our_ mom _got him something and we can't even think of one thing?"

"Isn't that enough?" Dean countered, sullen. "We can make it from the whole family." Sam punched Dean in the shoulder. "Ow. 'The hell, Sammy. Stop it."

"You don't care at all do you? About Cas?" Sam shot at him, pouting and letting himself dropped dramatically into the couch. He folded his arms and glanced at Dean. He knew his brother still hadn't talked to Cas, he would've known since the only time Cas was ever around he was too, and wondered if his brother had changed his mind about being okay with the little lip lock and turned into a major douche. Cas was family as far as he was concerned and he'd thought that Dean had started to feel the same way.

Dean sputtered, "What? No. Damn it. Of course I care." 'More than I should' he thought to himself and then ran a tired hand across his face. He sighed and tilted his head back. "I'll think about it."

Sam smiled and nudged his brother, settling in to comfortably watch Home Alone. "Do we have any hot chocolate?" he asked satisfied that things would be okay.

"Yeah we do, and before you ask, get it yourself," Dean said, his forehead scrunching. This was bull shit.

Sam laughed and got up, running to the kitchen and peeking over the open wall counter they had to make sure he didn't miss much of the movie.

But true to his word, Dean thought about it. He thought about it as he made his walk a little slower during the day, staring at Cas a little longer than usual. He thought about it when he stared at the back seat of the Impala while he waited for Sam to run out of the school, the wind shield wipers working frantically to clear the bits of gathering snow. He thought about it while eating dinner, thinking about how, now looking back, friggin' adorable Cas had been every time a meal was presented before him. It was almost like he'd never just sit down and had a meal served to him. And looking back he had to admit he thought it had been maybe a little endearing how Cas had started to insist after awhile to help wash some of the dishes with either of them. He kinda missed the mock angry face that Cas got when he'd flick soap onto him.

Dean thought about it while he was lying in bed. He'd already decided what they got would have to mean something. He told Sam that much who'd given him an eye roll and Dean had punched him. "If you don't want my help then don't ask for it."

He stared at the ceiling and listened to sharp whistle of the wind. Dean rolled over onto his side and turned on his radio clock to tune out the sound of tree branches smacking against the top of the roof. He laughed somewhat bitterly as Christmas music filled his room. He turned the volume down a little and resumed his one sided conversation with his ceiling. They'd become the best of friends lately. He'd admitted to himself that maybe Cas was kind of a decent kid. Better than decent. Weird crisis aside Dean found that he could admit to genuinely liking Cas. Kid was smart, had a ton of common sense on him too, and better yet was into a lot of the things Dean was into. And maybe even better, let him indulge in his older brother obsession of having to have someone to look after. He didn't even know if Cas was just letting him teach him some things (like about music, who the hell didn't at least _know _the name AC/DC) to let Dean have his fun. But then it came to things like cars and he could tell that Cas was actually clueless, and video games. Tho' it could be that Cas was just bad at them.

Frank Sinatra floated out of his radio as he closed his eyes. He let his breathing settle and really tried to think about it. They'd only known each other for half a year but he'd gotten gifts for people for less time than that. Hell, he hadn't even been dating one of his girlfriends for more than a month or two and still bought her something. But that was a girlfriend.

Still, he thought. If that skank (and she had truly turned out to be, it wasn't a relationship Dean looked on proudly) was good enough for a Christmas gift, then Cas sure as hell would be too. Hell, Dean thought to himself suddenly feeling uplifted and excited, it would even smooth things over a little bit between them. Despite what Cas had said he was convinced that things were not actually fine. Dean would even go as far as to say that Cas had been avoiding him if he hadn't been doing the same damn thing himself. They only had about a week left of school at this point but Dean was suddenly determined to make it count. Oh, he knew he'd chicken out the second he saw Cas and b-line it to the cafeteria, but it was the thought that counted.

"We could walk around town for a bit," Dean suggested the next evening when they were sitting at the dinner table. "Go right after school while it's still daylight out."

Sam sighed but nodded, "Yeah. If nothing else. I just wanted to. I dunno."

"Worst case we'll sew him some crappy pillows or something," Dean said nudging his brother with a grin.

Sam smiled back a little, "Well at least you're finally on board. I just don't know what we'll be able to sew together in 4 days."

The numbers sobered Dean up a little but as they drove into the town center. They went to the old town sector both deciding that a mall gift was no gift for Cas, and he felt a little more uplifted. They just had to find something, he was finally feeling a little bit more chill about all of his bull shit and at least admitted to himself that the kid was important to him. Well. There was no God if Cas didn't get himself a good gift from them. They huddled inside of their jackets, at least it wasn't windy so they didn't have to hurry along the shop windows, and kept a resilient watch for something that Cas might be interested in.

"Something useful?" Sam wondered out loud.

"Nah," Dean replied, his breath ghosting out in front of him, "his dad's loaded. Anything useful I'm sure he gets from him." Sam nodded and they kept walking along peering into shop windows. Most of them were filled with trinkets, decoration type stuff and they both agreed after one quick stop in such store for shits and giggles that no little elf or mini Santa Clause was cute enough to get him.

"I'm cold," Sam said after about an hour of wandering around.

Dean spotted a coffee shop and led them towards it, "Cool, me too. I was waiting for you to pansy out first."

"Jerk."

"Bitch."

They grinned at each other and Sam went ahead to take a seat as Dean ordered them two hot chocolates. He sat down and handed Sam his, piled high with whipped cream. "I had them add extra since I know you like that sweet shit."

Sam glared at his brother but smiled quickly after. They sipped at their hot chocolates in quiet staring out of the window at the bustle of people trying to get their Christmas shopping done. Dean sighed and shrugged his jacket off, leaning over to dust some snow off of his boots. His necklace slipped out of his jacket and he tucked it back in quickly, fingers lingering on the leather strap. He felt wheels in his head turning as he ran his hand over the cord. Dean glanced over at Sam and the little bracelet on his wrist.

"I know."

Sam looked up surprised at the outburst. "Know what?"

"What to get Cas."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah," Dean said and took a rather large gulp of his hot chocolate, "we wanted it to be personal right. And mean shit and all that fluffy crap." Sam nodded and Dean pointed as his wrist. It was something Mary had gotten everyone in the family but Dean, he'd gotten a necklace, and their dad didn't wear his, on one of her many trips. Sam stared confused before things clicking. "She got these out of country, how the hell are we gonna get access to one?"

"Not one out of country doofus," Dean said leaning forward in his chair, invigorated. "I know a couple of weirdo hippie type stores that have to sell shit like this. If we hurry we'll make it through a few of them before they close tonight."

Sam nodded and they left their hot chocolate cups on the table in their hurry. They argued through two stores on what to get him if they did find something. The necklace like Dean had, or a bracelet. Sam argued bracelet, said it was very much more like Cas and actually more masculine as Dean was always fighting for. Dean just huffed at him and tugged his little brother's hood over his face.

"Quit it jerk," Sam grumbled tossing it back as they entered the last store.

Jack pot.

They found an entire back shelf lined with little trinkets and jewelry types of shit. In his search Dean even forgot how ridiculous the two of them probably looked, shuffling through all the jewelry. He let Sam go on his own search for a bracelet. He heard a triumphant 'hah' from Sam. He rounded the corner to the other side and passed by the shelves until a little strip peeking out caught his eye. Dean nearly pulled the shelf out as he tried to reach back to dig it out. He pulled out the item, yanking the other things tangled to it away. It was a lot like his, there was no way to get the same figure as his own but the medallion woven into it was the same color and seemed snazzy enough. In fact it seemed perfect. He tossed it lightly in the air and caught it again with a grin.

Dean rounded the corner again and found Sam already at the register paying. "The little shit," Dean muttered as he walked over to the counter. Sam just grinned at him as he handed over the money their father had given them.

"Shit Dean, I'm sorry. I was sure you wouldn't find anything," Sam teased as he got the little bag with the item.

"I did," Dean replied coolly. He surprised himself by how instantly he stretched his hand out and laid the necklace on the counter. The lady raised her eyebrow and Dean just pulled his wallet out. He felt Sam stare at him for a little and saw a strange smile creeping across his brother's face. "Can it," Dean said as he paid for it.

When all was said and done he tossed the bag at Sam. "Not a word," he warned as they left the store.

Sam just nodded and grinned, but couldn't help but shoot out a quick, "You do care."

Dean hunched his shoulders and grumbled something out but when he went to bed that night he couldn't fight the smile that crept up to his face. He only hoped Cas would know what it meant.


End file.
